Celtic Heroes

hiI'll just update my post with them- remember some are a little mature but not excessively.

Lunch.
Two flies sit on a pile of poop. One fly passes gas.
The other fly looks at him and says, "Hey, do you mind? I'm eating here."

Jack and Jill have an imaginary smoke
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To smoke his pipe
Jack got high off the fumes of his truck
Handed the pipe to Jill
And Jill said "Nah I... WOOO! Wait aren't these bubbles?"

Killing my Neighbor

A judge asks a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw."

From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, "You lying *******!"

"Silence in the court!" The judge turns to the defendant again and says, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel."

"You tightwad!" blurts the spectator.

"Quiet!" yelled the judge. "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill."

"You cheap son of a... " the spectator starts to shout.

The judge thunders back, " I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?"

"I've lived next to that lying ******* for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?"

Johnny and the Cockroach

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, "No honey for you for one month!"

Later that afternoon, Johnny's dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. "That's it! No butter for you for one month!" says his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny's mother cooks dinner, a cockroach run across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her.

Little Johnny looks at his father and says, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?"


Ok, you have issues!

I love rednecks. I have a heart of a redneck.... in a jar.